Existential Angst

My blog is to honor my father and children that have passed away as I search for meaning in their loss.

Friday, November 04, 2005


I made a decision that I would replace every negative thought and action with a positive one. When ever I catch myself complaining, lamenting or otherwise negative I’ve tried to replace it with its opposite. For instance, a coworker that doesn’t seem to understand simple instructions is an opportunity for me to express my patients and develop my teaching skills. A driver that shows poor judgment needs my sympathy, not my horn.

I feel like I understand the message of Jesus on a much deeper level. Jesus made many parables about farming and faith. I feel that on a deeper level as I plant my own seeds in the world around me. If I sow hate, distain and negativity I will reap a harvest of despair. If I can sow just a few seeds into the fertile soil of love, joy and positive energies, like wise I will reap a harvest of goodness.

Jesus also said that he could reap where he did not sow. He made parables of labors that come late to the harvest but are paid equal to those that started early. It seems unfair but the universe doesn’t care about fair. If I give my last dollar to charity but a rich man gives a million, did I not give more because I gave all I had? The universe does not make a distinction in time for goodness, it make a distinction in quality. An honest man working an honest hour doing God’s work can do more than a dishonest man in the world working all his life.

In just two days I feel like I have lived more that I have in the past two years. I’m going to try to stay honest. I will do what I can for others without expectation of them because I know that I will reap where I did not sow. All bad things are just opportunities for me to grow. Having to hold my child while waiting for them to die makes me sure that I have seen bad things. I know now that is time for me to grow.


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