Existential Angst

My blog is to honor my father and children that have passed away as I search for meaning in their loss.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Being Positive

I’ve started down a path that has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I thought raising my son would be the hardest but to raise him right; I must do this first and that is, become a positive person. To be a positive person I have to raise the bar on what I accept for myself and others. I have to become a person that responds with love in the sight of hate. I have to show compassion to those that wrong me. I must be a beacon of hope to the hopeless.

I have been trying very hard to respond to the world with love when I wanted to respond viciousness. I know for sure that what I put into this world is what I get back. It happens over and over again in a karmic sort of way that when evil is repaid with evil only evil triumphs. All one must do is go for a drive and you’ll quickly find a reason to hate somebody.

What I have realized is that I don’t know everything. It seems simple to say but when I think about it I know that I can’t count how many times I have dismissed someone’s opinion because I looked down on them. “They can’t know the answer!” I say but how do I know everything to know this? They may not know the answer but the may have a point of view that leads you to a deeper understanding. I have missed out on educating myself on a host of things because I thought I already had the answers. Children can help you see that you don’t have all of the answers. As the old fairytale show us, a child can see that the emperor has no clothes as all of us adults complement him for his fine wardrobe.

Being a positive person means to me that in every interaction with people or the world, I must remember that it is more important to feel good than be right. Fighting about a parking spot or cutting myself on a plastic package just isn’t worth it. I can find a better place to park and I can find a better way to get into the package. I can realize that if I walked or biked, I would need to find the parking place. If I didn’t have such a need for material things, I wouldn’t need go any where nor fight the packaging.

Life is the journey, not the destination. A positive person sees life as a dance. We are to enjoy every step and every beat. We are to feel the joy of all of our fellow dancers on the floor. Once I saw that the point of life isn’t to go from here to there, from birth to grave, I understood that I didn’t know everything. I don’t know enough to be mean, hateful and evil. I don’t know why certain dancers come in and out of my life. All I know is that feeling good and feeling free is a positive thing for me to do and since it is one thing I do know, it is what I’m going to do.

Friday, November 04, 2005


I made a decision that I would replace every negative thought and action with a positive one. When ever I catch myself complaining, lamenting or otherwise negative I’ve tried to replace it with its opposite. For instance, a coworker that doesn’t seem to understand simple instructions is an opportunity for me to express my patients and develop my teaching skills. A driver that shows poor judgment needs my sympathy, not my horn.

I feel like I understand the message of Jesus on a much deeper level. Jesus made many parables about farming and faith. I feel that on a deeper level as I plant my own seeds in the world around me. If I sow hate, distain and negativity I will reap a harvest of despair. If I can sow just a few seeds into the fertile soil of love, joy and positive energies, like wise I will reap a harvest of goodness.

Jesus also said that he could reap where he did not sow. He made parables of labors that come late to the harvest but are paid equal to those that started early. It seems unfair but the universe doesn’t care about fair. If I give my last dollar to charity but a rich man gives a million, did I not give more because I gave all I had? The universe does not make a distinction in time for goodness, it make a distinction in quality. An honest man working an honest hour doing God’s work can do more than a dishonest man in the world working all his life.

In just two days I feel like I have lived more that I have in the past two years. I’m going to try to stay honest. I will do what I can for others without expectation of them because I know that I will reap where I did not sow. All bad things are just opportunities for me to grow. Having to hold my child while waiting for them to die makes me sure that I have seen bad things. I know now that is time for me to grow.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

The Flow of Life

The flow of life is a stream that comes to me and through me. Sometimes it pools up because the path from God to the world has a blockage within me. That blockage is my self reflection that has a mistaken belief. Currently that belief is that my personal history is what is leading my future. Even when I realize that this is a mistake, the blockage creates as barrier that logic can’t break.

Even thought the solution seems “as clear as the summer’s sun” [Shakespeare’s Henry V], acting on knowledge and just knowing something is profoundly different. Obviously changing my beliefs would remove the blockage. The problem is that the blockage has energy of its own. My history of grief has a “conservation of momentum” that can’t just be stopped. So the wake begins to push the slowing boat forward, toward the rocks, where the driver does not want to go.

It seems clear to me now that what must happen, what will happen, is that the boat must end up on the rocks. Once my current self image is destroyed then my personal history will not matter. I fear this “bottoming out” but it is what must happen. I have seen it in my dreams. I know that until I can love myself I can’t love my neighbor [Jesus, New Testament, check it out] and I can’t love myself as I am today. I’ll have to see what tomorrow brings.