Existential Angst

My blog is to honor my father and children that have passed away as I search for meaning in their loss.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

I'm on to Something

I’ve been trying to get in touch with what I’ve been calling the Dreaming Mind. I’ve never felt more creative, moody and emotional. My dreams have been very vivid. Last night, I woke up several times after a dream that was so powerful that my waking mind couldn’t tell where I was or When I was.

One dream that was particularly powerful was in the future and I was contemplating what I was going to do for my 25 wedding anniversary. It was a sunny day, I felt well and I was where I thought was home with people I liked. The problem was that I don’t think I was me. If my dad’s dreams before he died has thought me anything is that dreams are not limited to the Self (see previous posts). When I woke up, I didn’t know where I was or when it was. This happened several more times that night.

I don’t know exactly what this means but I’m taking it as that I’m getting closer to something. The Dreaming Mind is very powerful influence over my consciousness. I’m communing with it by imagining that there is a dreamer of the dream in my head. I see this dreamer like a silent DJ of knowledge, he plays a dream to speak to me. He plays the emotion that I need to know what he feels. I’m finding that I’m moving through life’s little problems with a bit more ease. I’ll keep you posted on where this goes.


I want to start off with my disgust with advertisers adding comments to my blog to sell their products. If you want me to talk about a product, you should email me and I’ll think about it and how it fits into what I’m talking about. My apologies to any reader that may have been ambushed by one of these spam comments in my blog. I’ve deleted them when I discover them. I don’t want people to have to jump through hoops to read what I write, but if these jerks can’t be stopped, I’ll have to force people to register to add comments.

Monday, August 08, 2005

The Dreaming Mind

After thinking about it deeply, I’ve concluded that the body and soul have two parts that represents each. The body has consciousness. The body cares about getting the brain to think about important issues such as ‘what’s for lunch’ and ‘can I have sex’? The body drives our consciousness to examine the environment, make plans to satisfy our needs and execute them.

The soul has something less easy to get our hands on. Our souls speak to us by dreams, myths and music. When our consciousness is quite, we can sense the soul. So the soul is represented by the Dreaming Mind. The Dreaming Mind is what listens to our consciousness endless talking and observes our world as a person behind the eyes.

Here is the Really Big Thing, consciousness dies but the Dreaming Mind only closes a window. The Dreaming Mind is something that was here before the consciousness formed. There is a beautiful poem that refers to us as children when we were at one with God and brothers to birds and bees. I think our soul's Dreaming Mind is just like that child, at one with God and nature.

So we fear the death of consciousness. We are scared of loosing our loved ones, our money or our status. We work so hard for the body, we hate to see it go. If I can change my perspective to the Dreaming Mind, I see that all of these things are only temporary. The Dreaming mind enjoys life in the moment for eternity. It doesn’t care about bodily needs because it is only shell to view the world.

I don’t know about the nature of the Dreaming Mind. Does it reincarnate? Is it bound to our body or just hitching a ride? I'll have to think about it some more.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Where We Are

I’ve had a long hiatus from my blog. I wished I could say it was because everything was going so well that I just didn’t need to write about it. In March, my wife and I lost another pregnancy at 32 weeks. After the successful birth of our son, we thought all of our problems were behind us. This loss was particularly devastating because it was without any explanation. She seemed to have just died one morning. A week before we had seen the preeminent neonatal specialist in the state who gave us the hope that this pregnancy was fine.

While my wife was trying to give birth a wonderful nurse told us something unusual. She said that she believed that on another plain of existence we made a deal to carry my daughter for as long as she could stay even though we knew that the stay would be brief. We agreed to give her the chance at life. It sounded like something we’d do, but it takes a lot faith to believe in such a thing. I think it was the fact she had so much faith that we all felt it and it made her such a wonderful nurse. I don’t know about other plains of existence but I do know some people are right where they should be.