Existential Angst

My blog is to honor my father and children that have passed away as I search for meaning in their loss.

Saturday, December 11, 2004


The reason I am concentrating on dreams so much is because of my dad telling me in detail about a special even in my life before he died. I think there is a connection between what we dream, the reality that we perceive and the “real world”/Truth/ultimate reality/etcetera. If there is a connection between me and the spiritual world then I have not lost anyone because I am always with them outside of time.

I saw a neat show about the limitations of human perception. The last segment of the show was a study where people had to count the number of times the basketball players passed a ball to each other. In the middle of the game, out walks a man in a gorilla suit and waves to the camera and walks off. Only a quart of the people in the study saw the man in the gorilla suit. Then the show rewinds to several segment of itself where there was a man in a gorilla suit in the background that I did not notice.

So, it seems pretty clear from a scientific point of view that we, in human form, are not very good at perceiving everything around us. In many ways it is good to have a narrow focus. It allows us to hold a conversation in a noisy room, find a friends face in the crowd or even hunt our prey on a grocery shelf.

I think there is a perception we can have at different times in our lives when the data that we concentrate on is not what we have been looking at all along. It is a big leap of faith but I think my dad was seeing more, his perceptions were expanding, as he was dying. I don’t know why this would happen but I know that his ego died many months before he did. I know this because he often hugged me and when he could speak he only wanted me to know how much he loved me. This wasn’t the man I knew all of my life. The man I grew up with was cold, distant and very often mean. He was a totally hostile driver and didn’t mind using sign language to let everyone else know how he felt if you know what I mean.

My current thinking on the matter is that dreams allow us to see the man in the gorilla suit. Dreams let us move unabated through time and have interactions that our ego driven selves don’t believe are possible. I believe that once we break through our ego, we will have the perception that my father had, where he could know me from my eyes and my feelings and love me as much as I loved him.


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